If you are going to write, then almost certainly at some point you are going to have to share that work in some way with other people. Whether that is reading it to your kids, letting your significant other take a look, your best friend, your writing group, strangers on the internet with whom you have some tenuous social connection, or publishing it and having a wider distribution to strangers with whom have no connection. And while all of these people will have opinions, not of all of them will be “this is perfect!”. So how do we deal with that? When I originally wrote this blog post it ended up too long for a single post, so I have split it up into ‘groups’ as I think of them, and will post them in sequence. Today, Family and Friends. I’m going to share the advice that I have found helpful, the wisdom of which I credit to other writers, editors and agents. Take what you find useful!
Family and friends:
- My advice here would be, unless they too are writers, and they like your genre, try not to use family and friends as actual critique partners. If they are not writers their feedback will be limited that of a reader, which it is true can be valuable, but only if its someone that liked your genre. But the real problem is that, in my opinion, the risk and a cost can be too much. Now there are plenty of people I know who do use family to critique, but my perspective is that these people are really important to you. So a comment from your spouse that something is not good, boring, confusing, etc is going to emotionally impact you more than if that comment is from someone from your writing group. Also, any even temporary hurt/damage to the relationship is happening in one of your most important support relationships and its just not worth, in most cases, having that happen. It doesn’t matter if you never speak to your critique partners again. It matters if it’s your mother.
- Even if you are not using them as critique partners, try to focus on the process than the product with family. My family sometimes (not always) read my work. I never ask them “Did you like it?”. Sometimes they offer an opinion (usually positive if they are actually offering) but I don’t try and drill down with it “Yes, but what was your favorite bit?” or probe for comments if none are forthcoming. For me, I share with them the successes – I liked the story, it was published, or it was a finalist for prize X, and I involve them in that part of the process (celebration), but not the evaluation.
That’s all I wanted to say about Family and Friends – but if you do use them as critique partners then do check out the next installment the advice in which may well apply double if your critiquers are also family or friends.
Thanks for reading! How do you handle criticism in its many forms? As always, thoughts, suggestions and criticisms (!) welcome below in the comments section.
Gideon Smith 
I desperately wanted my spouse to be my first reader and critiquer but, alas, it wasn’t meant to be for various reasons. One, she is not a writer and, therefore, lacks the ability to tell me what she does or doesn’t like and why. Comments are typically stated in general terms. “I didn’t like this,” or “That didn’t make sense.” Feedback like this can be useful, but only if the reviewer can pinpoint the details and explain why something did or didn’t work for them. She simply can’t. Two, she is a fantastic source of support and encouragement, which is exactly why it’s difficult for her to give me news she thinks might disappoint or discourage me. “That was a very good story, dear,” she says as she wraps up her reading. It’s a tone that feels more like a pat on the head. “Good boy, Morgan. Here’s a treat for trying so hard.”
LikeLike
Right! Family have an incredibly important role. And it’s hard for them (and us) if we need them to play that role plus a critiquing one
LikeLike